memory of the lost time..

long time ago..we're so poor...having financial problem is quiet tough for my family ,xpecially for my mother,,because she the one that working..."he" just...(sigh)..
I still remember that we have no food...and my mother bring me and my sister to my grandma's house,hoping that my grandma will lent us some money and give us some food.. thinking about that ,makes me want to cry...but thats my past...

worried,,

so worried right now...well,,my family hving financial problems.... 6hb tarikh daftar ke usm,,tp sy tiket pun x bli lg...apa2 barang pun x bli lg...haiiss,sedih pula...

mom,do you worried about me? y are u so worried about 'someone' that u never ever meet? am tired thinking that something will happen to you..am worried about u...please dont acting this way,, when am advice you about something u 'll angry at me..then what I suppose to do?? I'm leaving soon,,I dont want to go,But I want to do something that will make u proud of me..

please take care of ur health..

hu~

did I make a mistake?~

hhumm...

i really feel depressed right now....i have a friend...he is the reason to me that made me lacking a confident to do everything that i wants... he always insult me....and infront my other friends too...he never thinks about my feeling....he says that i'm ugly and doesn't deserve to be liked by a man... he even ask me "who do you think is pretties ,you or she(my other friend)?"...at that time...i was unable to look everyone,and i just say"she"....because of my lacking of confident i was unable to look everyone that talking to me...

when walking in the college,i see a lot of pretties face...and i envy them but at the same time..i feel so humble...sometimes i feel i want to be like them....but its not what i'm find there...i'm looking for a knowledges..

when i'm see my face in the mirror,,i want to cry...but then i tell myself that this is a challenges for me..sometimes i cry a lot...

i remember,,one night when i'm studying with my friends,"he" said...."buruk oo muka koo,,p la baa touch up sikit,,eee"....when he said like that infornt of all my friend,,,i feel so so so sad....that night i really cry a lot...a lot...i really feel embarrassed and insulted...

i thinks i'm suffered a lot in my college life..i'm talking to my friends without having an eyes contact with them...because i don't want to see their expression when they see my face...i want to cry because i was unable to do so..

even in FB...he always insult me...i hate he,,i want to insult he but i don't want to be like him..insulted a person! i don't want to be like that... to be honest untill now i really feel sad with his attitude,,

thanks a lot to my closes friends and my roomates that always support me... i feel so grateful to meet them....so much!....

hai...

i feel heartbroken right now...i really think that she is my only and only bestfriend,,but why she never be with me when i need someone...?

i miss her so much,,i want to tell her everything goes in my daily life,i really want to....but she never listen...she's too busy with her new life...i didn't blame her...it just,,i want her to listen to me... i once thought that she'd the only that i had..i want to tell her everything....but she never there for me...i feel sad...and this has changed my perspective about life...

i cry after reading her blog...7hb february 2011...she posted on her blog about her bestfriends...and i'm not on the list...and more sad,,that day is my birthday,,,she forgot..after a few week,,she call me to wish me...i feel happy without knowing all that.....

but,,honestly...she still my bestfriends...nope,,,maybe only a friend,,,because a friend that doesn't know anything about her friend doesn't called as BESTfriend...

first time

it was the first time i'm talking about 'HE' to everybody...i felt awkward at first,,,but then i felt more comfortable.... the story begin,,when,....my Ustaz,,asked us to write a few names of person that already passed away.....the moment he ask us to do that,,,my tears drop one by one...and it wont stop....i felt that my eyes is like a water pipe that time...

my hand shaking to write a name....my ustaz said ,'write a least 5 names'.....but honestly at that moment I only can remember a name...his name... my hand shaking and I felt cold,,my tears wont stop...

Ustaz call a names one by one,,to tell a story..about the names that we write...but i haven't write a thing...I felt so sad...I felt like the passed is chasing me..try to hold me back,,,and then i keep running...but then I'm thinking until when I'm running...?? i braved my whole deep deep heart to write his name...

and I write it...the last alphabet makes me felt really sad,,,,and I run from the class.. I go to the toilet..,in there I cry again,,and that time,,,i felt the world is falling down...like the grass wont alive again....like the sun wont arise again.....i felt bad.....I hope that can stop...

Then,,my classmate come to the toilet,,she tell me that my name was call by the Ustaz...and my heart beating more faster...the adrenaline really working that time..

I'm hiding at the back of the class...wishing that the class is over and I can go back to my dorm.....but its not,,,I can fell every seconds that time....my tear wont stop... I really felt that is the time that I really thinks is the hardest in the world...

I thinks its already 1 hours and half I'm hiding myself...and I can heard my name is called several times...and I felt like there's a butterfly in my stomach..

30 minutes before the class is over...I'm still crying....thinking about the passed and what I'm gonna do for the next seconds,,,...then..I braved myself to back to the class...

I just can't believe that the moment i sit down,,,Ustaz called my name again,,asking me if I'm okey and ready to talk infront of others,,,,my hands is shaking...and i came to the front... and tell themm........

"the name that i write is Ariffin Bin Arif and Arie Reynaldo,the second name is my late brother,,,which passed away when i was a little....and the other is a person that its a long time i never called.......that is,,,"My Father....,,My Father....and ....My Father..".......

the time..i can felt the clock is stopped....only for me....all keep quiet and silent the only that accompanied....