im so so so so damn hurt...

my stupid brother hit me...its really hurt.....if my late father here,,he would mad at my brother,...but he not....he not longer here...i hate so much myself to be me....its hurt so much...my heart.....hope somebody call me and comfort me...but that feeling no longer exist since my father gone....why???why my mother did not defend me...why when im crying she not be with me like my father did???????? its really really hurt so much...my heart hurt so much that my head my brother hit......i am so lonely,,,and she not with me....my mother hate to be alone....but why she dont understand me that i also hate to be alone and hate leave in darknest??? sometime i feel like an idiot,,leave all the happiness i had for her maybe my future....why she never understand me>>???????

even when the funeral...she even not with me,,,she did not comfort me.....last night,,,i cry until my eyes swell,,,did she know????did she care????did she comfort me??? i feel very very very lonely....that why i hate to be me............ somebody please save me.........

changes.....

my life has changes...im not the former girl...i am grow up...to be more mature.....seeing myself suffering is something that really hurt me...do not know me...

stop....

"stop blaming myself."...thats the word that suit 4 me...but how??? how i can think like that???? what life 4 me???? what is it????? Raya this year would be awkward 4 us,.....without he,,,

"my memories.." sang by RYU...in the winter sonata..is the song 4 he...

because he love the song so much.....

R.I.P My father.........

my memories.........

ilove he n i miss he......

the face behind my face...

the face behind my face....is something that i want everyone to know...BUT,,,i also doesnt want everyone to know...confuse????? i hate myself....and im really hate myself more when i see myself happy....shocked????? please do not know me.....

suddenly...

im finally told someone about my feeling...and its not easy as i thought.....she is one of my favourite teacher.....i cry on her shoulder and tell her about my feeling toward ' he'....
i cry non-stop....regard all of this......i want to be alone......but i want everyone to know the face behind my mask....please dont save me...

after a day....

i want to cry..i want to tell somebody about my feeling...but i just cant..and i just want to forget it....what should i do?????it almost one and half year he leave me....and i just cant even speak about he....im being to sensitive......i want to cry everyday..but my tear doesnt want to come out....i always said that 'i can face it'.......and ...i just dont know if i can....

why??????

i really hate to say his name..maybe because..i felt not comfotable.........i regrad with all what happen...i shouldn't leave he..and i shouldn't stay.....why he leave me alone...???

always and forever....

i miss he...i miss his joke..his cooking...i felt really empty..when he not around...all i want just one chance..i want to tell he that i love he..........and i want to thanks he for everything he did for me...

heheh...

im really happy i got 8A's in PMR...and he really2 happy than me...he smile always....remember i really love to eat prawn paste..he said to me 'selalu nya org yg mkn udang ialah otak udang' i really laugh what he said to me....

nothing....

when holiday arrive....i feel really alone...i dont know why..maybe bcoz he not here...

its a stranges feeling......usually,when holiday he will be at home,cooking,reading comics,playing games...he is so funny.....i miss he...

he always there for me.... i remember,since im in year 2 until im form 3..he always send me to the bustop..and wait me until i took the bus..he always give me a joke when im sad...

i really miss he...

he is a great cooker...he almost can cook many things....and everytime he cook..the result must be amazing. my favourite dish is prawn paste.,and he love to cook that dish for me.. the taste is almost perfect..he cook for everyone of us..Everything is delicious..

But when he gone... i can eat my favourite dish again..

since im 7 years old...we never take a picture together...mayb bcoz we doesnt hv a camera...he always there 4 us.....he take care of us...thank you very much...love you...

i remember...we were being look down by our own family...we doesnt hv a car...so everytime we went to village,,,we need to took a bus...so that time im really sad...i thinks its okey took a bus..but my mother really worried about the fees...we doesnt hv enough money...so my mother will asking my aunty or my uncle,if they want to back to village...can they take us together...

sometime the car is full...so me n my sister will sit on the back(the space for bags)..

i remember on Hari raya..all my neighbour..hv a new clothes,delicious food,new furniture,n all is new..but us...Hari Raya is really as ad time to me when i was 6 year old..but we patince bcoz we know everything will change n okey.............

'he' wait me with a patience....

he love me and take care of me...we r poor but we take care each other..

sometimes....im asking my self...why my family was poor...

we dont hv enough money to buy many food that time...

even we can only buy a new clothes ones in a year...

but 'he' loves us......................................................