first time

it was the first time i'm talking about 'HE' to everybody...i felt awkward at first,,,but then i felt more comfortable.... the story begin,,when,....my Ustaz,,asked us to write a few names of person that already passed away.....the moment he ask us to do that,,,my tears drop one by one...and it wont stop....i felt that my eyes is like a water pipe that time...

my hand shaking to write a name....my ustaz said ,'write a least 5 names'.....but honestly at that moment I only can remember a name...his name... my hand shaking and I felt cold,,my tears wont stop...

Ustaz call a names one by one,,to tell a story..about the names that we write...but i haven't write a thing...I felt so sad...I felt like the passed is chasing me..try to hold me back,,,and then i keep running...but then I'm thinking until when I'm running...?? i braved my whole deep deep heart to write his name...

and I write it...the last alphabet makes me felt really sad,,,,and I run from the class.. I go to the toilet..,in there I cry again,,and that time,,,i felt the world is falling down...like the grass wont alive again....like the sun wont arise again.....i felt bad.....I hope that can stop...

Then,,my classmate come to the toilet,,she tell me that my name was call by the Ustaz...and my heart beating more faster...the adrenaline really working that time..

I'm hiding at the back of the class...wishing that the class is over and I can go back to my dorm.....but its not,,,I can fell every seconds that time....my tear wont stop... I really felt that is the time that I really thinks is the hardest in the world...

I thinks its already 1 hours and half I'm hiding myself...and I can heard my name is called several times...and I felt like there's a butterfly in my stomach..

30 minutes before the class is over...I'm still crying....thinking about the passed and what I'm gonna do for the next seconds,,,...then..I braved myself to back to the class...

I just can't believe that the moment i sit down,,,Ustaz called my name again,,asking me if I'm okey and ready to talk infront of others,,,,my hands is shaking...and i came to the front... and tell themm........

"the name that i write is Ariffin Bin Arif and Arie Reynaldo,the second name is my late brother,,,which passed away when i was a little....and the other is a person that its a long time i never called.......that is,,,"My Father....,,My Father....and ....My Father..".......

the time..i can felt the clock is stopped....only for me....all keep quiet and silent the only that accompanied....