last month i went to hospital because stomached...but then it turn into gastritis plus food poisons... ahhahah.....it hurt so much...damn...so much.....i keep asking my roommates before go to the hospital if they can tell the warden about my pain...and they just says that i just need a sleep....but it turn bad....

on the bed...i keep singing if i cant forget about this pain...i sang" when u gone" by avril lavinge.. when im singing that song...i keep thinking about "HE"....what happen if he is here...he wont let me felt this pain...i brave my whole deep heart to not crying.....

i walk down from my bed..and hope that my best friend in her room...but she not there...then i walk to the "musolah"...shes there....i sit outside...holding my stomach....and hope so she can be here soon....im not crying....this pain is killing me...

in the hospital ,a doctor cure me......even it not working...at night it came again..the pain... i cant ate anything....even the water.....after the night...i went to the hospital again....the doctor ask me to do test....he said maybe it was appendix...wooo.....thats too much....

but it not...ehheh....i feel okay right now.....

the sky is blue..waiting me to says something..but i dont...because im speechless watching how beautiful are GOd's creature..
i feel so lonely even there r so many people around me...and i feel really small when surrounded by all people..the who i am ...im not remember...im alone...i like it...i want it...i need it...silent in sigh... my sigh....does it tell u something if u heard it???

emm...emm..emmm......im smiling like there something funny...but it not...i just want to make myself feel better..time is passing by..i m worried about the future that i will made...sigh..

i have to move on ,,,i need to reach the final destination...i want to see the future...but im afraid to face the future....what can i do..... i close my eyes to think what i want to write....im smile...and think that i should stop....

stop....feel lonely because there Allah that always watching me..there my mother that always support me....

but then i ask myself more....did im ready???

i m bad??

today...is kinda a weird day..because i go to church....owwhh..dont get me wrong...it just...im hearing about a man that is a former muslim that already converted into Seventh Adventist day (SDA) and he and his family went there to confess......honestly...SDA is not a bad religious....it similar to Islam but still have the different...i love Islam more....

HYPOCRITE!!!~~

someone tell me that,"what u will do "..the other will described n call u a fake and hypocrite... the person also try to blackmail me...the person want me to follow what she do..but i refuse...i dont want....i really felt ashamed what she said n the way she talking to me....i felt really uncomfortable....i make a deep thought and the i came with a conclusion...


"why im thinking about the other person thought??,,yes,,i AM hypocrite"...and everyone too... i dont need to felt embarrassed about what i do...because i know the who i am...the more than the other know.....i keep give myself more motivate....

dont get me wrong the "things" that i do...is not a bad stuft...but its a silent sin that every women have that desire but some are manage to fight the "thing"...........

i just dont want to pushed myself so hard about this matter as im not born in a religious family...this story is about the wearing "tudung".....sometime i didnt wear a"tudung"....that why the other are judging me....it sometime make me felt so funny because..if it all about me...the other will say something...( i know its in a good purpose) but when other did it...i doesnt even heard a sound,,,

so what....?? life is like this....there is devil and angel...dont blame my religious..because its me who decide to do the sin...not the religious that ask me to do...stop make such stupid conclusion..that thats religious is a bad religious because they saw a a few person didnt follow the religious's rule.....this is a life..people still want to do it even it is a sin.....because we r not perfect..

i know..i lost in the battle n unable to fight but its not a sign that im gonna lost forever...it just i need some more time to retrieve all my knowledge n energy to win this battle ONE DAY...Amin......

back to the basic

the silent brought me back to the basic...like my post before..silent is like a gold,tear is like my blood...im finding the conclusion ..all these...but i still cant find it...i want to....want to back to the basic...but i still not allowed to back,....

my memories ..will always there..about "he".....im finding something that i would never found...i never tell n described what im looking ..it only me ...that will understand....tear like my blood...never separate,n always there.....i just feel want to cry now....can u understand why im crying?? can u??? would u??

i wish ..there is someone that would tell me that..." dont be fake,,dont cry anymore,,i 'll be there for you".....

it so late in midnight..still alone...wanna cup of milo???

drop...

my tear drop one by one....thinking about my mistake...thinking about the passed,thinking about the reason...i got it...i know why...it just i still dont understand y i still cant do it...to forget what happen...just a moment...

i looked at the sky and fond by it..i look at the people and thinking what life they has been trough?? and then i look again and realize how small i am and lonely.....i still fooled by the word "life"... but i know what happen is the best...

so,,,,all what happen is the best.... for me...

do you??~~~

now im trying to do something else,working...but then i realise ..that it doesnt change..the emptiness ... i close my eyes to hold my tear...it happen suddenly...even when there is so many people...

i looked for something...the lost pieces...but it already lost...where i can find it??? i hate myself for unable to do something....i lost in the light and there no one suspicious...that the great part...i played my role..and no one know...hope tomorrow gonna be a great day...

my memories....never found but it also never lost...

sky....~~~

sky is not always beautiful...i always looked the sky and try to understand it...well the pattern.. and sometime i also hope that the sky will understand me too...its funny... my life is going well..for now..

each day passed...it already 2 years and 3 month...im counting it to make me remember...actually i dont want,,it just ..it hard to forget.. my spm 's result is great..it enough for me..alhamdulillah..
all these dream...what else i can say???..silent is like a gold for me...lonely is like my blood.. no word can described,,only sky...can anyone understand???

so close to the end...everyone chasing to the final,,but im...im still standing there ,,telling myself to run to the final...but deep in my heart..i hope 2 years ago or more,,,somebody will pull my hand and save me..but nobody there..everyone gone...im smiling and i dont even know if it real or fake...

i try to forget but it hard...the silent brought me to the deep part of my brain and squeeze the memories part..and then the tears....drop one by one...what else i can say...???

im confuse...

i love my mother and i dont want her to be alone...she 52 this year,,still working to feed us,.
my sis working in KL,sis 2nd school in the nurse coarse,,my bro working but always outstation..
and the left is just me and my mum....i really pity my mum..i love her so much,,,,,

i really worried about my SPM's result...it make me a deep thinking about my result...."what it gonne be?" but that not all it about....

1. if i get a good result,,my mother will happy....but im gonna leave her for my further study...and that gonna make me feel unhappy..

2. if i get the worst result,,it gonna embarrassed my mother and my family,,(well some of my aunt looked down of us...)and that gonna make my mum feel unhappy but im not gonna leave my mum..

what should i do?????? im confuse,,i hope 'HE' is here to help me....it only a hope..nothing else...

im bored..

i feel so lonely and bored...my mother doesn't want me to work,,i feel really angry,,,,,,
'why she don't want me to work??is it wrong??why??why???is she want me .....huuuh,,,i dont know,,it really pissed me off when i remember it....

you know,,i feel bored,,really bored,,i feel stress at home,,i feel lonely and feel angry....it so unsubscribed what my feeling actually,,hope somebody understand it...

i don't really talk a lot at home,,i usually talkative at school but not at home this year,,, i just don't know...i feel there's no reason for me to talk at home...my mother always find a way for me to talk to her,,but i dont feel like to talk to her..i know it really hurt her...i'm sorry because I'm being so selfish..i didn't mean too....it just I'm not feeling well....

i'm really pissed off today...i just dont know why..maybe i feel like a robot controlled by my mother...i doing the same thing everyday..sometime i dont feel want to get up from sleep because i know i will pass the day with the same things...but my mother dont understand it....

every night i recall what i'm doing today and it really upset me,,acting like that..it not me...and every night i tell my self that i hate my self..im sorry...

R.I.P

my uncle passed away last monday...my gonna missed him....fate is unknowed.. just play the life's game and see the challenge..face and and take the victory home....

my late uncle is so kind,..i remember he always be with us every Christmas eve...but last year is the last for he...actually we not with him on last Christmas,,but i heard even he is sick he manage and try to celebrate the Christmas....

he was berried at Kuala Penyu...we there also...life is sad...